


Love Is White, Pain Is Purple

by i_amthecosmos



Category: One Direction
Genre: First Kiss, Hallucinations, M/M, Painkillers, Sickfic, hospital stay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-16
Updated: 2015-06-16
Packaged: 2018-04-04 16:07:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4144050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_amthecosmos/pseuds/i_amthecosmos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis is in the hospital and hallucinating. Liam just tries to be there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love Is White, Pain Is Purple

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fic that had been sitting almost finished for a year. So I decided to finish and post it. Based on when my mom's appendix burst, she still talks about the hallucinations sometimes.

It was too quiet.

Hospitals were buildings that held hundreds to thousands of people, but they were built in a way that made that unnoticeable.. And the ICU seemed to be designed to be the quietest of all. Louis had nothing to do except listen to himself breathe. And that was bad, because it meant that his mind would wander until he wasn’t in the hospital anymore. Like now.

_The world shifted from white to purple, Louis shifting with it until he felt unmoored, off balance, and when he looked up, Liam was pinned to the wall by a vine, also purple. Liam’s mouth opened but he made no sound as the vine consumed him. Louis couldn’t even scream for him._

“Hey,” he tried to say when the nurse came through the door. It didn’t work, the words that came out of his mouth weren’t a greeting but he couldn’t control them. The nurse just patted his shoulder like she understood him and checked him over. She squeezed his hand as she left, and Louis watched the ceiling. 

_He felt the hot wind and the sun on his neck and knew he was in Mexico. When he looked around, he was in a van in traffic, cars jammed together through the streets. As Louis watched through the window the skies darkened until the sun was gone. In its place was a flat sky with no stars and no wind. Louis turned away to look at the other lads, and he was alone in the van. When he looked through the window again, there was no one out there either._

_There was nobody at all._

“Hullo.” 

Louis blinked his eyes open and saw a large hand wrapped around his arm. “Harry,” he said, voice hoarse and breathy. “Hey.” 

“Hey. You feeling any better Tommo?” Louis didn’t respond as Harry squeezed his arm. “Don’t worry, you’re getting better fast. Appendix just burst, nobody even knew there was anything wrong.” 

“I…didn’t think there was.” Louis couldn’t take the thought any further, because he was tired and in pain and because purple was starting to take over the white, he could see purple gathering in the corners of the ceiling while Harry talked. Liam, Liam wasn’t with Harry, it was just him…

“Louis, are you all right? Okay, let me shut up, you rest, you need to rest.” And before he could protest, to tell Harry to stay because it was going to be too quiet and then purple would really take over, he was out the door. Louis sunk back into the bed and whimpered as the pain rose up in increments and he closed his eyes against it. It didn’t help.

He was floating, not awake or asleep but numb on the pain killers the nurses had put in his IV when he felt the hand on his shoulder. “L-Liam?” His throat was dry. “Liam, water. Please.” He blinked his eyes open and saw Liam there, eyes large and worried. He was right, it was Liam. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Liam said back, and Louis closed his eyes. He opened them a second later as Liam brought the cup of water to his lips. “How do you feel Lou?” Louis looked at him and he struggled to think of how to answer, to tell him about the purple eating the white and the end of the world in Mexico, but he didn’t know how to say it. Liam frowned and put down the cup when Louis was finished drinking. “Are you in pain?”

He could answer this one, he was sure. “Not-not right now. Kind of stoned, though.” He laughed, and it sounded dusty, like it’s caught in his throat. “I’m sorry Liam.” 

“What? What for? You’re sick, so we had to cancel a few shows, it’s not your fault.” Louis shut his eyes, not wanting to be reminded of the shows. Liam stopped talking, and Louis sighed when he moved his hand from Louis’s shoulder. “You get out of the ICU tomorrow. They’re moving you to a regular room.”

“It’s purple,” Louis said, and he looked up at the ceiling. “It’s still purple. Why won’t it stop, Liam?” The colors were swirling now, the purple and white, and Louis couldn’t look any longer. Before the medications pulled him under, he could feel Liam squeeze his hand.

Louis didn’t remember much of the move, but when he woke up he was in a different room with a TV and plenty of chairs for other people to sit on. It seemed like everyone was taking advantage of that too. “Hey,” he said, and Niall cheered. Harry actually clapped his hands, and Louis almost smiled. “How long have I been here?” 

“In this room, only a few hours mate.” Niall grinned at him and then the smile fell a bit when Louis shook his head. “No? What do you mean, how long in the hospital?” 

“Three days. You’ll need to be here for a couple more. Sorry, but you need to rest.” Zayn sounded pretty firm about it. 

“I’ll be okay, just let me stay on the bus…” Louis jumped a little when he felt Liam’s hand on his arm.

“You can’t perform like this. You can barely stay awake, you’re in pain…” Liam sounded like he was about to lose his patience, but Harry was right there, rubbing over Liam’s back and calming him down. Louis couldn’t think of anything else to say, so he just closed his eyes. He could hear something in the background, besides the TV. But he wasn’t sure what it was. It grew louder, and he recognized it. It was the sounds of their audience. “Zayn,” Louis said, and he can hear the pain and tiredness in his own voice. “The fans…?”

“They’re all right,” Zayn said, and he concentrated on his voice. Louis still had his eyes closed but he could see Zayn’s voice. “Some are outside, yeah. But we told everyone you’re getting good care.” Louis relaxed a little, because Zayn never lied.

“I can hear them,” Louis said, and he can sense hesitation coming from Zayn. He probably thought Louis was crazy, and maybe he was because he could hear it, amped up to hysteria mode, and maybe Zayn wasn’t hearing it, maybe the others a weren’t, and it was just him. “Can you hear them Niall?”

“Only when we go outside,” Niall said, and Louis moaned. They were getting louder in his head, the fans, the screaming, and he reached out blindly. Liam caught his hand, rubbing over his knuckles.

“It’s all right Lou. It’s all right. Do you need more pain medication?” He shook his head but tightened his grip on Liam’s hand, and he opened his eyes when Harry put a hand on his forehead, pushing the sweaty hair away from his eyes. 

“Call the nurse,” Liam said, and he watched as Niall pushed the call button. 

“I’ll be okay,” but Liam just squeezed his hand back, and he didn’t try to argue with him anymore. Liam always knew what was best. The screams faded into the distance, and he followed them, sliding into sleep before the nurse can show up.

__

The sky was dark but Louis could still feel the heat, as if the sun was there but just not visible. There was nobody as far as he could see, and it was quiet. He always hated being alone, and now here he is. He looked up and saw empty buildings, a sign hanging down, flowers splitting through the cracks in the sidewalk. He stared at the flowers-they were still alive. Maybe the world wasn’t really over. 

When Louis woke up again, it was dark and quiet in the room. He moved his head slowly and no, he wasn’t alone, someone was asleep in the chair on the other side of the room. “Liam,” he said, and he cleared his throat. “Liam. Get me some water?” Louis watched as Liam stirred, waking up in increments, until what Louis was saying sunk in and he stood up, filling Louis’s glass and holding it for him when he took a sip. “Thank you,” is all Louis can get out before he slides back into his bed.

“Don’t worry about it,” Liam said, and Louis smiled. Liam loved taking care of people, and that wasn’t about to change. “Hey, you seem better than this morning. Maybe they can let you out sooner.” 

“Hope so.” Louis sighed. “I hate it. I can’t do anything. And I keep…I’m seeing things.” He hated admitting it, but he was sure that they all knew anyway. He couldn’t really hide it.

“That’s normal. The nurses told us that you’d hallucinate because of the pain. It’s all right.” Liam didn’t look all right to Louis, but he didn’t say it. “I just wish I could help.” Louis moved his hand over so he could touch Liam’s arm. 

“You are. You’re here with me now.” Louis swallowed, his throat was still dry. “Where-where are the others?” There was silence for a second, just the noises of the machines they had hooked him to. He figured he wasn’t going to like the answer.

“They had to go,” Liam said, and he looked pained at having to bring it up. “They’re doing promo in LA, since they had to cancel the shows.” Louis closed his eyes. “I wanted to stay with you, so I did. And your mum’s coming. You’re going to have to rest when you get out of the hospital, so she’s going to take care of you.” 

“She doesn’t have to.” Louis thought about his sisters, and his other family. “I’ll be fine, Liam. Tell her I’ll be fine.” 

“Shut up.” Liam’s voice was more fond than anything else, and he shook his head. It was Liam’s ‘how the hell did I get stuck babysitting this wanker’ face, and seeing it made him smile just a little. “You’re gonna be stuck in a bed in a hotel room, at least she can take care of you. I’ll have to go back and join the others in a couple of days.” Liam reached down and rubbed over Louis’s arm, as if trying to ask for forgiveness. 

“It’s all right Liam. At least you’re here now.” 

Liam answered by scratching through Louis’s hair. He sighed, ready to go back to sleep. “Louis,” and that roused him back to attention, opening his eyes to look at Liam. “Why didn’t you tell us you were in pain? I asked the doctors, they said you had to have been in pain. Why didn’t you say anything?” 

Louis looked up at Liam and wished that he was on the bus right then. He wished that none of this had happened and that he could just go on doing the shows like he was supposed to, like he wanted to. Instead Liam looked like he was about to cry and Louis couldn’t give him an answer. “I don’t know. I just thought it would get better. I didn’t want us to have to stop. I could handle it.” 

“No. No you couldn’t, you could have died.” Louis starts to protest, to say that no he wouldn’t have, he would have been fine, but the look on Liam’s face shut him up. “We had to rush you to the ER an hour before the show, do you remember?” Louis nodded. “And it was too late to cancel and we had to perform without you. It was awful, we were upset, the fans were screaming for you. Don’t…don’t ever do that to us again. Don’t do it to yourself, and to us.” 

“I’m sorry,” Louis couldn’t look at Liam. “I didn’t mean to make things worse.” It seemed like he always did, though. “I didn’t know.” He thought of the other lads trying to go on without him, and it was too much.

“It’s okay.” Liam squeezed his shoulder and it felt good, it calmed him a little bit. They were quiet for a minute, and then Liam said “I’m glad you’re still with me. You would talk when you were out of your head and everything you said sounded so scary.” 

“Yeah, it was,” Louis says. Then after another second, “So, what did I say?” Liam just shrugged, and Louis wondered what that mean, what Liam was trying to cover. Did Liam know just how much he’d been in Louis’s mind, in his nightmares? “Did I say anything weird?” 

“Yeah. You talked about purple eating the white.” Louis nodded, he could have guessed that. “And one time you talked about Mexico and the end of the world. That one was scary. There was a lot of detail.” 

“Didn’t think you were there when that one happened.” Louis closed his eyes, wondering if Liam knew that he was in all his fever dreams, that Louis just wanted to get to him. “Maybe it happened more than once. I think it did. I’m tired, Liam. Stay with me?” 

“Of course I will.” He looked up in time to see Liam lean down to kiss his forehead, and Louis tipped his face up, asking for something he hadn’t before. Liam pulled back a little, confused, and Louis pushed his head off the pillow to land an off-center kiss to Liam’s mouth. Liam kissed back, there was no hesitation on his part, instead he just moved so their mouths fitted together, and deepened the kiss. Louis let out a small breathy moan and Liam sucked his bottom lip into his mouth. They kept kissing until finally Liam broke it, gasping for breath. “Oh.”

“Oh,” Louis answered, and he waited for Liam to tell him that it was too much, or that he was just sick and needed comfort, or some other way to push aside what they’d just done. Instead, Liam smiled at shook his head. “What?” 

“You would do that when you’re stuck in a hospital bed and I can’t do anything.” It was dark in the room but Louis thought he could see a faint coloring on Liam’s cheeks. Louis reached for him and winced because of the IV in his arm. “Shhh, don’t hurt yourself. I’m right here.” 

“Not close enough. Get in bed with me.” Liam shook his head and pointed at the open door. “I don’t give a fuck, come here.” Liam looked stubborn. “Why not?” 

“I will. But when you’re well. I don’t want to hurt you by accident, and the nurses are in and out all the time. But…” Liam leaned in and the kiss was harder and promising. He licked his lips when Liam pulled back, staring right at him. “Fuck, Lou.” 

“I hope so.” It was all he can think to say back, fatigue making him light-headed, but it’s enough going by the surprise on Liam’s face. “All right Liam, let me sleep. You can molest me some other night.” Liam sputtered a little and Louis laughed before turning his face away and falling asleep.

Liam was there when Louis woke up the next morning, frowning and trying to stretch out his aching back from sleeping in a chair all night. Louis figured he’d got off easy and told him so, enjoying the blush over Liam’s nose. He was feeling better, so they talked more, about different things, but not about the night before. Louis was starting to wonder if this was going to be a problem, when Liam darted in and kissed Louis quick as soon as a nurse had her back turned. Louis just grinned up and Liam looked positively evil. “Good boy. You’ve learned well.” 

“Of course, learned from you,” Liam said, and Louis just smiled. He wound up falling asleep soon after, but he felt Liam squeeze his hand when he went under. 

When he next woke up, Liam was telling him goodbye. 

“I have to go out, I don’t have any more time, they told me I have to-“ Louis put together what strength he had to press his hand against Liam’s mouth, and he was rewarded with a sheepish grin. Louis waited a minute before pulling his hand away, and he raised an eyebrow, daring Liam to keep apologizing.

“So,” he said after a minute. “LA?” Liam nodded. “All right then. Go surfing for me. Or fishing, either. And text me, it’s boring as hell here.”

“You’ll be out soon, probably by tomorrow. I heard that Modest have rented you and her a house.” Liam smiled down at him and Louis felt himself smile as well.

“Oh good. That’s better than a hotel room, any rate.” Louis hoped it was nice, and then he was jerked back to the present by Liam squeezing his hand.

“We’ll…we’ll talk about the other stuff soon, right?” Louis nodded, not wanting to say it out loud into the air, with the door open and so many people swirling around. “Okay. I just don’t want it to be something we don’t talk about.”

“Don’t worry,” Louis said. “We’ll do that soon. You know,” he said then. “When I was out of my head, you were always there. I always saw you, or I was looking for you. Every time.” 

“I thought you might,” Liam said after a minute. “You mentioned me a lot, Harry said it was quite weird.” 

“Oh thanks Harry,” Louis said, deadpan, and Liam’s laugh made him laugh as well, as tired as it made him. “Okay, you should go along I think. Go have a good time, do some promo. Tell them I’m fine.” 

Liam’s face was fond as he leaned in for a quick kiss. “Of course Lou.” Louis watched as Liam walked out of the room, and he knew they had a long way to go, talking about things, things like that. But he figured they would be okay. Louis had survived the purple, so he could handle this.


End file.
